| Relationships for a Lifetime
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For many couples, maintaining a healthy and happy relationship requires a commitment to change and to personal growth. I base this statement on having worked as a therapist for many years. Whether in individual or couples therapy, people have revealed many of the same problems when discussing relationships. Each quarter, I will make additions to this section and will take my direction from e-mail responses to this site.
One somewhat ironic theme that frequently arose in individual and couples sessions was the theme of change. The following are common statements made by clients:
I feel as if I have changed and she/he has not.
We have both changed, but in different directions.
I cannot continue my quest with this person holding me back.
I am on a spiritual path and my spouse/partner is not.
I have learned to have fun and her/she has not.
We would be happy if he/she would do what I wanted them to do.
For the most part, these statements are not made by the newly married. They come from those with some time under their belt. The root of most marital problems seems to be linked to poor communication. This problem includes, but is not limited to, thinking that one's significant other should know what the other is thinking, an inability to verbalize thoughts that should be discussed, and knowing how to disagree (fight fairly).
Knowing one’s self is a key factor in maintaining a healthy relationship. Unless both people in a relationship have worked out most of their primary individual issues, the relationship is likely to fail. A relationship built on need, such as co-dependency rather than on a bond between two autonomous and stable people, has a poor prognosis for success. An advantage to pre-union counseling is the opportunity to look at issues that could potentially be problematic. It is worth taking the time to work out individual problems before going into a long-term relationship.
As our bodies change with age, so does the nature of our relationships. I know couples that have been married for four and five decades. They will attest to the need to mature together – to change with the ebb and flow of the tides of life. As individuals have life cycles, so do families. Changing roles from being the children to being the adults with or without children and then becoming the senior family members each has its own advantages, disadvantages, and transitions.
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In the best of circumstances, a relationship starts off on the right foot. One person is attracted to another because he or she posses qualities that the other finds admirable and attractive. This is usually a combination of characteristics that includes the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of another. In some cases, financial attraction and family status play a role in unions. Regardless, things change over time.
People and their circumstances change. Besides the obvious physical changes, we change in each sphere of our lives. The goal of a healthy relationship is to change together and to assure that the change that one person makes is compatible with the change or lack of change in the other person. During my many years of providing family therapy, I would always ask if the two people involved in the relationship knew the other person fairly well at the beginning of the union. Most would respond “yes”. Knowing a person at a particular point in time does not mean that we will always know that person as well as we once knew them.
In the beginning of a relationship it is important to know what a person aspires to be. Although this may change over time, this information offers much of the key information to assure a healthy relationship. My final speech of 2004 was about the importance of not dying with one’s music still in them. Assuming that we know the music within us, we need the support and encouragement of those closest to us – this naturally includes our partner or spouse. The presence of or lack of interest in a significant other often determines whether a relationship will last.
More than sexual attraction, interest in another person often causes a person to feel more complete and whole than anything else in a person’s life. Knowing this, each person in a relationship should take responsibility to tell and to ask about the topic of one’s music within. This is not to say the one needs to share the same music, but rather appreciate and nurture the music within the other.
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