Life in Defense of the Ego
One reader asked me to explain the basic premises of a book that I referenced in a lecture. This was a real challenge without going into topics such as sublimation, reaction formation, and ego psychology. However, I will attempt to present some basics for the non-clinical reader.
We all, to some extent, live our lives in defense of our ego. Although I do not take a strict Freudian interpretation of the meaning of ego, I do believe that one’s ego is the glue that holds us together. It is formed by our values, beliefs, and knowledge of ourselves and of the world around us. Our defense mechanisms serve to defend us against incongruities between our actions and our thoughts. They protect us from all that our psyche believes to be unacceptable. Some of us are very well defended. We all have well defined ideas about what is acceptable and unacceptable. We know what we are and who we are. Inherent in our self-definition is knowing what we cannot possibly be. Within the context of this knowledge comes some extremely complex dynamics that very few mental health professionals seem to understand.
We all know those who have built walls, often with the use of denial, around logic that evades us. The world of alcoholism and drug addiction is perhaps the most recognized and classic example of denial. Even within this subset of society we see incongruities. You will see the alcoholic, while actively in recovery, smoking two packs of cigarettes per day. Thus, denial can exist even when a person is emerged in a program that focuses on denial. It isn’t, however, denial when a person says that he realizes that he is slowly shortening his life, that this is his own business and that he doesn’t really care. This is “free will” – pure and simple. If an action is within our awareness, it is not a defense in the true sense of the term.
My observation as a therapist is that people often have no idea what they are defending or why they are defending it. I have often been faced with the decision of whether to tell a person, either professionally or socially, what they are defending against and why they are defending it. I have always chosen not to speak. If I could not lead the person to make this realization on their own, I would not tell them. My reasoning for this restraint has been based on one simple principle - never take something from someone unless you have something to put in its place. The something that I would be taking would be the glue that holds many of the pieces of their psyche together. Although, there is a good chance that the person would simply discount my diagnostic reasoning and never give it another thought, I have never been willing to take this chance. What if the person believed me? What if they had a cathartic experience, had a revelation, or formed a mental gestalt? I have given these possibilities a great deal of thought.
Those who spend their lives defending their ago often go through life without serious problems. However, this is a balancing act that is difficult. Sometimes a life event that occurs well into adulthood can trigger some serious problems. About the time that I left the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs as the Clinical Coordinator of a Readjustment Counseling Center, I began to see a trend among Vietnam Veterans – especially among officers who were retiring from the military. Some were beginning to experience problems related to a war that had long since past. They were slowing down and having more time to think. Up until this point in their lives, they had been able to push feelings and memories to the side. With professional help some showed improvement, others began abusing substances, while others began self-destructive behavior sometimes to the point of suicide.
Some of those suffering from haunting war memories no doubt experienced childhood events that impacted their coping mechanisms as an adult, but I am certain that this was not always the case. Defending the ego, for the most part, does begin in childhood and becomes more sophisticated with age. The person who lives his or her life in defense of the ego can go in many directions.
Some individuals live their lives searching for the answer to why they feel a sense of discomfort. As their life progresses, they will attribute this to life circumstances such as relationship problems, job dissatisfaction, or transient situational problems. Of those who go in and out of therapy, there are those who never come to the realization of the root of their problems.
I observed one symptom that slowly emerged during therapy - they often began to focus more on people and less on themselves. Focusing on others was not necessarily done in an altruistic sense, but rather as a superficial interest designed to keep the focus on others rather than themselves. As they matured, they began to consider those things that have worked to keep their ego at bay. When I think of how this person appears, I often think of the Mary Tyler Moore character in the motion picture Ordinary People.
Other individuals seem to serendipitously find and resolve the life-long issues that they have been defending against. Ironically, many in this group never allow themselves to realize that their symptom relief was due to resolving historical issues. With some rationalization, justification, and intellectualization, they believe that that have transitioned themselves into the right situational circumstance. This is complicated and best explained with a clinical example that I can simplify.
I worked with a client who had been through three marriages and who had three children. She was very ambitious and was working on her doctorate in education. Her life was filled with relationships that included professional peers as well as her family of origin. She came to therapy complaining that she was not appreciated by her family or by any of her former spouses; her work and professional affiliations offered her the most reinforcement in her life. She was at a point in her life when she could not justify her demanding and hectic lifestyle and felt that she was on the verge of having anxiety attacks.
By the third session I knew the precipitant of her uneasiness. I attempted to lead her to form a conclusion, but this never happened. She was far too well defended. She came for nine sessions and then we decided that she had some insight on a few issues and she contracted to make a few life changes to ease stress. After our last session, I wondered if she would ever realize the core of her issues. A few years later, after being divorced from her third husband and after all of her children had left home, she went to visit with a female friend who had been diagnosed with cancer. She wanted to give her support during a time of need. As of today, they are still together as a couple in a romantic relationship. When she contacted me through a mutual friend, I felt a certain relief. She now realized what I had realized during our third therapy session. Had she not come to this realization, she probably would have been OK. However, there would have always been something that would not have been quite right. She would have stayed very busy, going from one challenge to another – advancing in some ways and digressing in others.
Although unresolved issues of sexuality are common, they are not the only issues that drive those who live their lives in defense of their ego. I have met many individuals who are not comfortable with their race, ethnicity, or gender. Although some wear their issue like a neon sign, most of these individuals will never really have a clue as to the source of their discomfort. They will build elaborate defenses and some will live remarkably complex lives having never realized the core of their discomfort. My personal belief is that it is not for another to point out the internal conflict. At best, one can lead to insight in a very slow and intentional manner.
Few mental health professionals seem to have the ability to recognize the dynamics of the process of living one’s life in defense of the ego. I do not recall any academic or professional training in diagnosing and treating this issue. This is one of those acquired abilities that I probably could not replicate or teach. On the other hand, if I could, I would not. I am not certain as to the practical, heuristic or utilitarian value of such ability.
The 2002 movie (The Hours) explores some of the complicated dynamics of sexuality and shows how some of these issues were dealt with during three very different time periods. I suggest this thought provoking movie for anyone who wishes to better understand the text of this article.
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